This post is a bit different than the norm, but I have felt the need to just write my feelings and thoughts down as a way to vent per se and maybe help any of you who are in the same boat thinking you are alone.
It hasn’t been quite 6 months yet since my dad passed away and I have to say that it has definitely felt like a bit of a rollercoaster ride since he passed. Life after loss of a parent is an interesting thing because it takes quite some time to truly feel the loss and its effects.
When this all happened in April, my main concern was arranging services and watching over my mom (which I still do). I got really good at tucking my feelings in the back of my mind or stopping any tears from flowing. For a little while now it has felt like an unreal situation, but I barely have started to truly feel the loss and began dealing with it.
At times I will find myself seeing something that gives me a reminder of him and just start crying. For example, I was driving to work a couple of weeks ago and saw a Air Med Helicopter taking off and started crying because he used to always talk about helping load patients into the helicopters when he was working for the hospital in Taos. It was the littlest reminder and I had tears streaming down my face the whole way to work.
I also find myself looking outside to see if his truck is home thinking he is possibly going to drive in at any moment while I stay in Taos on the weekends. Or someone will walk into my parents house that I am not expecting and I have caught myself getting a random anxious feeling thinking it is him walking through the door. This has happened quite a bit over the last month or so and the feeling is unreal. Once I catch myself feeling those random anxious feelings, I have to shake myself out of it and bring my mind back to reality.
When a family has a loss of of loved one, many of us believe that these tough situations help bring you closer together but in some cases that’s not always true. Not only is a difficult time like this troubling and trying on you as a person, but it is also troubling and tests you as a family. I have learned over the last five months that no matter how close you thought you were as a family, there is always room for disappointment and distancing.
No matter the kind of loss, it is a difficult and long road to recover from. My saving grace has been my faith and my beliefs. I shared this story on my Instragram a few days ago and wanted to share it on the blog as well.
On Monday, the morning was flowing as usual and I went to wake up Alina for the day. She was incredibly difficult to wake up for some reason that I left her to go let the dog outside. When I walked away from her room, the smoke alarm in her room randomly started ringing and immediately shut itself off. When I got back to Alina, she was wide awake and sitting straight up. At the time I didn’t think too much of this because I figured maybe the battery was soon to die..who knows.
After the hustle and bustle of getting her ready for school, I went to my room to get dressed and had been in and out of the room all morning. I was about to leave the room when I noticed a random yellowish feather lying in the middle of the bedroom floor. It was startling at first because I was trying to figure out where this feather came from since I was in and out all morning and never saw it lying there.
I went to work and when I got home I started to really think about that mornings occurrences and decided to look up the meaning behind finding a random feather (I am a HUGE believer in signs). Upon researching, the common result was:
When angels are near, feathers appear.
After finding that small phrase, I felt such a peaceful and comforting feeling. Our loved ones are watching us everyday and I believe that they come to us to give us signs here and there to tell us they are with us.
Grief is a heavy thing to deal with, but I am a true believer in finding a healthy outlet to help keep your mind and spirit right. Everyday is a new day for me to dive deeper into my faith and I have been reading my Bible daily as I told you all about in a Friday Loves post. I just want to say Thank You all who have stuck with me on this journey and continue to ride with me. Your support and love never go unnoticed.
xoxo Renee Michelle