To My First Born Baby….
I’m sorry you have to experience so many let downs from me because of my attention shifting to your sister being a new baby. Nothing pains me more than listening to your cries and screaming that everyone hates you. I see that you felt you were an outcast to our family because we co-sleep with your sister due to her multiple feedings in the middle of the night. I can’t ever expect you to understand such a quite complex situation only being 5 years old. You just knows that you have to sleep alone in your own room while your entire family sleeps in an entirely separate room. To say my heart shattered in pieces is an understatement. I feel like I have failed you and not made you feel as loved as you truly are and for that I am so sorry! I love you more than life and will never stop bettering myself and my parenting to ensure you are always encompassed with so much love and will never doubt my love for you ever again!
Ever since bringing Iyla home, I have felt like I try to give as much of my attention as possible to both children but I am willing to admit after reflecting the entire night this incident happed that I do tend to reduce the attention I give my eldest. The neediness of the baby takes over my life and reduces my energy but in the end I am only punishing my 5 year old unintentionally.
I’ve made some mistakes in my life but I will say, this is probably the biggest. Hearing her little voice tell me that I never play with her made me feel terrible and completely broken.
We strive to be good examples, teach them proper values and motivate them to be confident in everything they do. I feel like I have done complete opposite and failed her in all categories.
This experience has been an extremely difficult experience but very eye opening as well. There will definitely be a shift and change in myself as I am more conscious to the amount of attention that my big girl needs from me.
I’m not sharing this for sympathy or a sob story, but sharing my experience being a new mother of two and by some possibility, maybe some of you have felt or experienced something similar.
We are so quick to mom shame each other, but we should be lifting each other up and supporting the struggles we all experience with no judgement.
I am by no means the perfect mother. I do pride myself that I try my best to teach Alina to be a good human being, but I must do the same.
If you have gone through or are currently going through a situation like mine, just know:
You are amazing.
You can be a great mother of multiples.
You are not alone.
Have any of you strong, beautiful mama’s or dad’s experienced this before? Reach out to me and we can talk about it and please give me some pointers. We all need to have each others backs and help each other out!
Xo Renee Michelle